Hate, Rain On Me

I’m not going to spend much time on this yogurt review.

So, let’s cut to the chase!

Lemon Meringue flavor.

I was afraid this would be horrible. 

I just had a feeling.

But man, this yogurt is like fuckin’ SUNSHINE.

it was sooooooo goood.

Also, like the packaging reads, it’s thick and creamy.

Like dang, thick and creamy.

There’s tons of sexual jokes to be made.

This has a pleasant flavor all the way through. No bad after taste. Nothing bad about it. 

Except the part when you finish.

:3!

YOGURT REVIEW SHLUH-BAM!

Harvest Peach, ya’ll.

There really isn’t that much to say about this flavor.

Seeing as how it’s just one flavor.

But that one flavor, you guys.

See that face I have up there?

LOOKIT. LOOKIT HOW HAPPY I LOOK.

HARVEST PEACH IS DOPE.

It was like biting into a real peach.

I could almost feel the texture of an actual, delicious peach.

Oh what’s that?

It’s because THERE’S PIECES OF MOTHERFUCKING PEACH IN THERE.

So much yes.

If harvest peach taught me something, it’s that peach flavor is one of the BEST flavors out there.

Peach? yes.

Peach cobbler? yes.

Peach ice cream? yes.

Peach soda? hell yes.

Peach yogurt? FUCK YES.

It’s so good, I’m going to write a poem to the yogurt:

Delicious and true

Peach yogurt, I love you

From the bottom of the ocean

To the tops of every tree;

Dear Peach yogurt,

Please be with me <3

It reminds me of summer and days spent having a gay ‘ol time in the woods,

And I’ve never even done that shit, man.

:D :D

pre-yogurt review notes:

• I feel a little sick
• It was awesome and storming throughout the whole night
• Except the part where there was no power for the whole morning
• All of this has nothing to do with yogurt.

French Apple.

Huh.

Well. Okay.

Wait.

Hey. HEY. That’s not bad! Holy shit, French Apple. Let’s be friends!

I seriously didn’t know what to think. The flavor wasn’t bad at first, it was just bland. I guess it took me a bit to get used to, but when I did, AWW BRO. Shit was tasty as fuck.

Side note: what the fuck is a French Apple anyway, and why did Kroger feel compelled to make it into a yogurt flavor? 

I googled ‘french apple’, turns out that it looks good. Hah.

I’ve never actually had french apple, but the flavor reminded me of apple pie with cinnamon, so I guess it’s close or whatever.

Another nice addition was the tiny pieces of apple. Didn’t expect that, and wish there were more than just a wee bit.

This wasn’t a bad flavor at all. Especially when the flavor starts to come out. 

It’s like a surprise party. 

You get home after a long day of work on your birthday(and you had asked off, too! Assholes NEVER give you your day off for your birthday >:[), you sit down on the couch and start flipping through the channels. 

Your two friends show and it’s cool, yeah! small get together, nothing too exciting.

It’s cool, though. Then they invite you to the kitchen, because they got you a small cake. Yeah, it’s not the big party you expected, but it’ll do. You’re down for that. You walk in and BAM MOTHERFUCKER;

Friends and huge cake and fuckin’ a party bear or some shit are all there to greet you.

An old naked lady ready to give you lap dances. I don’t know what you’re into, you sick fuck. 

That’s how this yogurt was. It was good to begin with, then it turns out great!

:D

QUICK YOGURT REVIEW

Cherry Vanilla.

FUCK YEAH.

Then I tasted it.

It was awesome at first, but it quickly went to crap.

There’s actual cherries in this yogurt and that’s awesome.

But the flavor is way too flat. There’s hardly any vanilla.

And it’s also a bit too tart for the flavor it’s supposed to be.

I’m sorry Cherry Vanilla yogurt.

You don’t make the team 

:[

Pre-review notes/photo observation:

-notice the extra long handle on the spoon, haha.
-No, it’s not that all the cups were dirty and that’s the reason why I’m drinking water from a measuring cup. I just think it’s cool to drink from a measuring cup.
-I like to always keep a toothpick nearby just in case.
-After this yogurt, I have one more yogurt flavor to review and that’s it. ….because the grocery store I go to doesn’t have anymore. Their selection is kind of low. Or I’ve just tasted ALL of their yogurt flavors. I need to go to different stores for more yogurt, yeah?

OKAY. HEREEEEE WE GO:

Pina. Colada.

I not really a fan of Pina Colada. We just never got along.
I usually hang out with pineapple and coconut separately.
So, when they try to hang with me together…
“Sup, bro? P-dawg and I want to know if it’s all good in the da hood if we come swing by yo crib and chill?”
“…uh…I mean. I’d be down, but I have a lot on my plate today. There’s this dance rehearsal I gotta do(lie), I have math homework(‘nother lie), and I gotta help shingle the roof(I really don’t like pina colada, is my point). Sorry broskis, maybe next time?”
“Aw. Word, word. I feel ya. Later, Tunski!”
“Laterrrrrrrr!”

Now, obviously I don’t do ‘dance rehearsals, math homework, or shingle roofs. Coconut and pineapple can’t make phone calls, because they’re fruit and not people, soooo…shut up. It’s my review, I can give fruit talking parts AND a gangsta edge when I’m thinking this shit up in my head.

THE YOGURT. THAT RIGHT. I WAS REVIEWING A YOGURT.
Dude. Okay. Look. I may not like Pina Colada, but dude, this flavor.
It’s not bad. Not at all. Near the end it was a bit ‘bleeeegh’. Mayhaps that’s just a personal thing, though.

It’s like my brain went “dang, this shit is pretty good! Mmm, there’s little tiny pieces of pineapple in here, sweet! Oh? What up, coconut bits! ….wait….OHGOD THIS IS PINA COLADA.”
And then it sends some signals to my stomach to start hating on me. It did but, I had just finished so, take THAT brain. Fuck face.

It’s a good yogurt and like I said earlier; there’s little tiny pineapple and coconut pieces. A nice touch. As a whole, the yogurt wasn’t too terribly sweet and not horribly bland. I liked the balance in this one. But something was missing, I thought. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it….when it hit me!
This yogurt would taste so much better if it was mixed with granola and/or grape nuts!
But I don’t have any.granola and/or grape nuts.
And I just finished this yogurt.

DRATS!

:=]

I’m sick.
So, I’ll preface this with an apology.

I went into the kitchen, and got a yogurt.
Again, I was sick. I wasn’t thinking about it.
As I sat down and opened it, and then eating some, it hit me;
I have to review this now. Fuck

So if this is shit, I’m sorry. Haha.

Now that we have that out of the way;

Strawberry Shortcake.

This is a really good flavor.
I’m not saying that because I love strawberries.
Nor because I love strawberry shortcake.
I mean, yeah, that’s partly the reason.
But it’s not the WHOLE reason.

Here check this out;
You know how there’s that one artist you like/love, and can appreciate what he or she does?
You can tell they’re doing things that give their sound a whole new ‘volume’ or whatever?

This is how I feel about this yogurt.
Strawberry Shortcake has this tart, subtle flavor, that just makes it delicious.
It’s doesn’t come off too strong, nor is it too bland.
The flavor isn’t late. Nor does it have a particular aftertaste.

It’s that friend that makes you a mix CD and puts in that one song you thought you had forgotten, but then it comes on and you’re all “OH MY GOD. I REMEMBER THIS SONG.” and jam the fuck out.

The mix of the strawberry shortcake flavor and that equal mix of tartness that makes it stand out.
Harmony, suckas. They got it right.

:D

I kind of feel like this is a cop out review.
It’s very cherry.
It’s good.
But not very good.
Honestly, it’s not very cherry.
It’s just cherry.

but I’m guessing it’s because it’s a “light” yogurt.
Why didn’t they just call it “cherry”, then?
Or would that just like “stem”?
Because of it’s a “light” yogurt?

OH SHIT. There it goes. I guess it takes a while to kick in.
The cherry flavor is all kind of everywhere.
Although, it’s not ….strong.
It’s not that ‘very’ of a cherry.
They should have named it “fashionably late” cherry.

What is the process for naming yogurt anyway?
I want to be the guy that names yogurt flavors.
“No. No wait. Wait. Shit. Look. It’s SUPPOSED to be German Chocolate flavor. But it’s not, dude. Dude. I got it. Check it; “HEIL CHOKOLATE”
I would get fired on my first day.

I’m also drinking a cherry dr. pepper with this and you know what, guys?
It makes the yogurt taste better.
The yogurt is being enhanced by this soda. Whoa.

It’s pretty cool, really.

I’d say this yogurt COULD be better, but it’s pretty delicious regardless.

:3

This yogurt had lost points before I even opened because it was Blackberry Pomegranate.
I hate pomegranate. I’m probably the only that does.
So, I wasn’t really looking forward to eating this one.

But, I DID buy it, and I DO want to review it. So…

Doesn’t it always feel good to be proven wrong?
Or if anything, it gives you relief?
Because I was wrong with this yogurt.
Cause;
MOTHERFUCKIN’ HELL, SON. THIS SHIT IS BANGIN’. TASTES SO GAWT DANG GOOD, BRUV.

I was really surprised. This tastes magical.
Like a unicorn using a sword forged from a rainbow to fight of a dragon made of love and happiness. And they’re not actually fighting, they’re enjoying a nice cup of tea and some cake.
Awesome.

The blackberry flavor is the most prominent, and it’s pretty good on its own. And your taste buds are all having a good time with the blackberry flavor. Then there’s a knock on the door;
GUESS MOTHERFUCKIN’ WHAT?! IT’S THE FLAVOR PATROL AND THEY’RE SORRY TO INFORM YOU THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH FLAVOR.
You’ll have to be careful and follow their instructions to:
GET.
MORE.
TASTE.

The pomegranate really compliments the blackberry well.
Really well. I had to slow down because I was eating it too fast.

I have one and a half complaints, though.
It kind of left this strange aftertaste, which I can only assume was from the pomegranate(that or I’m just hating on it hahaha). But it goes away very quickly. So, it’s not that big of a deal.
And second is whatever the fuck the blackberry leaves behind. Tiny ass seeds?
Whatever. Even that wasn’t too bad, as I only felt three. It could be just this particular cup. I don’t know, but it wasn’t bothersome.

I’m fairly confident that is now one of my favorite yogurt flavors.
Pomegranate, you win this round.

:D!